I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
