I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
