Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
