Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
