I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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