I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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