no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
