My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
