So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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