Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
hotel room ftw
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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