Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize