i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
