No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
