God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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