fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
