I'm so fucking centered right now
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
