12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
