The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize