I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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