in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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