she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
