i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
