HIV tests are more positive than that guy
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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