i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
