so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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