Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
