I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
