clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
