I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
