i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
