Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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