I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
