remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
