Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
