drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize