I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
