He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
