I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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