I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
