Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
