Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
