It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
