Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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