do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize