Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
