Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
