hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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