are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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