The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
