FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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