I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
