take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
