They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
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