I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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