This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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