I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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