I just threw up on my dentist
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
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