Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
