He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
