Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize