I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize