I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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