Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
