i need an iv and a liver transplant
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Randomize
