yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
